The last month has not been a great one for me. Regular readers may be aware that I have chronic fatigue, or M.E. I was diagnosed two years ago and it has been a really really tough road to where I am now. Which is about 80% better than I was a year ago. But in this journey I have to understand and try and accept that the road to recovery is not a straight one.
A common occurrence for chronic fatigue sufferers are flares – times when your symptoms seem to ‘flare’ up all of a sudden, for no reason, and set you back massively. It seem this last month I’ve been possibly experiencing one of these.
It’s been a strange month as I’ve had so much happiness and laughter throughout it – blog conferences where I’ve had so much fun, times with my family, moments of such pride and sheer joy at my two little people and how incredible they are, and moments of such closeness with my husband.
But behind it all, behind the veil, my mind’s not been doing too well. It’s been running over time, refusing to sleep, thinking way too much and just worrying about nothing at all.
I can look back and see some of the reasons that have probably caused it – a small friendship problem, the whole EU situation and the uproar that has come from it (although I am not political, all the hate that has arisen does affect me a lot), too much travelling, renovations going on in the house, and a few rows at home. Not to mention my husband travelling a lot at the moment, and the children fighting with me constantly at bedtime. When you put it all together it doesn’t bode well for a chronic fatigue sufferer.
I have been trying so hard, though, not to crash. I have actually felt proud of myself for how far I have come in the last twelve months, and even though others may not see it, I can look back at where I was and how little I was doing and know I’ve improved. I have been able to take some of my life back and regain control, which is an incredible feeling. So a slip backwards, no matter how small, can feeling frightening. And I think that reluctance to submit to these feelings hasn’t helped.
Now I can feeling myself overly tired a lot. Constantly on the verge of tears. Leaning on my husband a lot more and feeling frustration when he struggles to support me. Shouting at the children way too much. I think that last one bothers me the most. Chronic fatigue does not make me a good mum at all. Damn, I hate it for that.
So here I sit, trying to get it all out, and trying my hardest to work through this tough time and come out of the other side. It’s taking longer than I expected and I feel exhausted by the battle, but I have to get there.