I have never been one to hide away on this blog and despite my problems often being very personal, for the most part I try to be open and honest about what is going on. Maybe one day someone may read it and realise they are not alone.
I’ve talked previously about my dad who two years ago he was diagnosed with stage IV Lymphoma – cancer of the lymph nodes. He has a very rare form which was difficult to diagnose and by the time it was it had already reached terminal diagnosis. Now he undergoes treatment to hopefully stop the cancer spreading and help him manage his symptoms so he can live as much of a life as he can. Last week we got the news that his cancer had spread and he needs to resume chemotherapy.
It was a cruel blow for us all to hear. He has been pretty steady for a while and whilst we are all very aware of his illness, we were able to try and put it to the back of our minds and focus on life right now. Once you hear devastating news everything comes rushing to the front and knocks you for six.
That has certainly been the case with me. Chronic Fatigue comes with its own baggage – not just the tiredness, but anxiety and depression are common predisposals to the illness, and both of which I struggle with. When you mix all these together it is not a fun concoction, let me tell you. Feeling down about something, anxious over those feelings and tired to boot which only serves to exacerbate those moods, and you have someone who can barely function. Which has been me for the last few days. It’s why my blog has gone deathly silent and why I have reached out to friends in a way I rarely do. It’s affected my relationship with my husband as I have been snappy and impatient and there have been endless tears. It’s crazy how one thing can set off a string of a whole host of other things and life can seem almost impossible. In fact just yesterday I told my husband I felt I was failing at life – as a mother, a wife and just a human being. For the past week I’ve barely lived, it feels.
So this post is a message to anyone out there who suffers and feels the same hopelessness I do – you are not alone. Often I feel that way, that I am the only one who struggles with this and that nobody else understands. But that isn’t the case really, in fact there are many of out there, handling our illness alone. And badly.
What gets me through these difficult times is talking about things, resting as much as I can and just taking each day at a time. If I can get through one day, maybe I can get through the next too. Often the days seem never-ending and completely overwhelming but there is nothing to do but get through it the best you can, and hope that the next day will be that bit brighter.
If you are struggling and need some support then please do contact me. You can leave a message on this blog or tweet me @hollybobbs on twitter. In the meantime, keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Today is World Mental Health Day, if you are struggling and need support you can visit the ME Association website.