For most people the every day things in life are just that – ordinary moments that pass you by, that you enjoy and that make you smile without you even being aware of them. Your children laughing at something silly you do, getting breakfast ready for them, reading them a bedtime story, going out for a trip to the park. For me these moments are often such hard work and met with dread. Even the smallest moments with my children leave me drained and exhausted and wondering if I will ever enjoy them again.
And then there are days like today, which give me a bit of hope. A break in the clouds.
For the first time in a long time I missed the children when they were at nursery. And I looked forward to seeing them. This is not normal for me. I generally feel like the days without them go too quickly and dread when they will return home.
I am well aware this is not right and not normal. And believe me when I say I feel awful guilt for it. But at the moment, it is the reality. I find getting out of bed, getting dressed, feeding myself hard right now and for the most part I struggle to be with my children.
But today as the time to pick them up drew near I found myself looking at my watch and smiling. My little ones would be home soon, to return the life to our home.
At the moment I am trying to look forward. Look forward to my time with them, look forward to the things we can do together, look forward to watching them play. Most of all I am looking forward to the days when that becomes normal for me once more.
J is such a little treasure right now, just looking at him makes me heart melt. Whilst he has his moments and his tantrums, his innocence and the way he needs me and implicitly believes in me brings a tear to my eye.
And whilst H can definitely challenge me, I am so proud of her and her character and I can already see what a strong woman she will become.
So this evening, as the sun went down, we went for a little walk. Only about fifteen minutes, but that’s a lot for me right now. I showed them the lake, the birds, the trees and the mud. And we had some happy time. Me and my babies, who I love so so much.