Tonight I went out with a friend into the local town. We had dinner and then went to a couple of pubs for some drinks and maybe a spot of dancing. It is a town we frequented every Saturday night when we were younger and one we know well.
Things haven’t changed much at all – the places are still the same, the drinks are still the same, the music was even still the same in some places! But a lot has changed over those ten years. So much.
And me. I am certainly not the same. It isn’t that long since I went on a night out, maybe four months (which in parenting time is not long at all, anymore), and yet I felt so different. Disconnected, I think. The music played and I tapped my feet but it all felt forced. My friend joked, I laughed, but it wasn’t really me laughing. We drank our drinks and had a couple of horrible shots, just like we used to, but I wasn’t really there. I was somewhere else. Another me.
It seems in the last months I have lost myself so much. Lost who I used to be. Lost who I am. I could always go out and enjoy myself. I was never self conscious on a night out. Whilst not the loudest I always fit in somewhere.
Now I don’t know who I am anymore. And it makes me want to cry. Sure I have my roles – wife, mum. But I don’t know any further than that. It is all I can do to be mum at the moment, how can I look past that?
Only months ago I was getting on with life and often feeling completely fulfilled; I loved my family, was getting to grips with being mummy to my two and feeling like I had finally found a place with blogging. Now in such a short space of time it all seems to have crumbled to nothing and I just don’t know why, or how to get it back.
I feel like I am in mourning. Sometimes I think it is all in my head and if I changed my mindset maybe I would find myself again. I don’t know. It’s all just maybes.
I just feel so lost.