Out of Control

Out of Control

Today I am feeling lost. This morning I had my eleventh counselling session and although it went OK and I came out of it taking a bit more away than I went in with, I still feel heavy.

About ten days ago I dropped my Citalopram from 40mg to 20mg in the hope it would ease the extreme tiredness I have been struggling with. The grogginess seems to have eased somewhat but the tiredness is still there, and today I can feel it. My head is so slow and heavy it is all I can do to turn it without feeling completely drained.

Today we spoke out several things – my need for control, even down to a minute thing such as the children not playing together properly. I’ve realised this is why I freak out so much at home and although I don’t actually lose control physically, I obviously take it all inside and that is why my head is so full and messy. We also discussed my tendency to blame myself for everything and feel I should be better – in how I manage the children, what we do together at home, the housework, cooking tea, my relationship with my husband, my blog. I am always looking to improve, nothing is ever good enough.

Towards the end of the session my counsellor discussed the main topic we have worked on throughout my treatment, which is my history with lack of self-confidence, what has caused it and why I am the way I am. By talking through the things that happened in the past and coming to accept the outcomes and my own reactions to them I feel I have, for the most part, dealt with it. So she suggested using the same method for my present problems. This just seems like such a daunting and overwhelming task, though, it makes me just want to go to bed! Seriously!

So next week we will be drawing a timeline of my past, the problems and what we have discussed about them. Maybe that will give me a chance to step back and look at the whole picture, and hopefully help me to see how to deal with the now.

I hope so as I’m not sure how much longer I can go on feeling so drained, heavy and lost. I feel like my head is in limbo right now, waiting for change but not sure how to go about it.

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