If you’d asked me a couple of weeks ago how I was doing you’d have got a very positive response – really good, finally at the root of things, handling life, the best I’ve felt in a while. So why, now, has it all crashed and burned?
The last two weeks have been a rapid downhill spiral into feeling worse than I’ve felt since I first asked for help those five months ago. I am so so so tired I cannot cope. I need at least twelve hours of sleep not to feel completely exhausted, and even then I have zero energy to do the basic of tasks. Every bit of anything I do is only by forcing myself to move. I constantly have a crashing headache. Most of the time I barely notice it’s there, I’m so used to it, but I awake every morning with it seering through my mind.
The fuzziness is back. But now it feels more like I’m just not myself. Like I’m floating above everything, unable to engage, to follow conversations, to focus clearly on much.
My babies have been flung into nursery, as I am unable to cope with them. Two full days. I feel like a terrible mother – why do I deserve them?? So I can throw them at someone else to deal with whenever I am struggling? My little J – only fifteen months and hardly understanding what’s going on. Most days I leave him stood in the centre of chaos, in a daze. (note: of course the staff look after him, this is merely my own guilt bearing down on my mind).
And the guilt. That terrible mummy guilt that most of us feel. It is eating me up. Guilt that they’re not where they should be, with me, at home. Guilt that when they are with me I barely have the energy to drink the regularly offered air H brings me, or throw the ball J insists on kicking around over and over again. Guilt that Mr H has to pick up my slack – bedtimes, bathtimes, cooking. All this has taken its toll on him too and our house is slowly become bogged down by my own exhaustion, it’s almost stifling. Guilt that I snap far too much. Guilt that I sleep far too much. Guilt that I am so self-consumed and need so much time to myself to feel anything that remotely represents a human being.
Why why why won’t this horrible illness just leave me be. The heaviness, the tension, the misery. I just want to be free of it. To be light in my steps. To laugh with ease. To sleep soundly.