The last few months have been challenging to say the least. We moved house in November, Little H turned two in December, Christmas, New Year and Baby J’s Christening in February.
But by far the hardest months have been the last three – my dad noticing his raised lymph nodes, waiting weeks for a diagnosis, and finally told two weeks ago was stage 4 skin cancer.
In the meantime I have been finding things harder and harder. All of the above on top of managing two young children eighteen months apart. Children who do not know boundaries, do not know how to share, how to play, how to be ‘good’ and ‘nice’. It has been frustrating to constantly say over and over and OVER ‘put that down’ ‘give it back’ ‘stop doing that’. I know it’s all part and parcel of being a parent, but when you are trying to manage two babies behaviour it is relentless. By the end of every day I am completely drained with nothing left in me.
All this had led to me being diagnosed with depression, starting anti-depressants and the beginning of counselling. This isn’t the first time I have had depression, but this time it is different. If I get into a really bad place it doesn’t just affect me, it affects my two little ones and I don’t want that. Instead I’ve found myself cutting off from those emotions and often feeling like I’m just waiting. Waiting for a change. Waiting for a happiness. Even waiting for those tears that would normally fall so easily.
I am fearful that I will look back in a few years and have missed my babies growing up. I am so tired it is all I can do to get us dressed and fed most days, let alone trying to split myself into two continuously trying to play, settle disputes and educate them the way I hope to.
I guess there isn’t much point to this post apart from to record how I feel at the moment, and maybe look back in a few weeks or months so I can see how I’ve progressed. I just hope most of all that this time does not have a negative effect on my children.