Last night after being awaken with a start following yet another upsetting dream due to my over-active pregnancy brain, I laid in my bed trying to return to the land of nod. My mind wandered, as it inevitably does, over the events of the day, plans for the next day and then onto my little girl.
She is so precious to me, that little girl, she is never far from my thoughts. With every passing day my love for her gets more strong than I thought could be possible, and yet alongside that so do my fears for her. You don’t realise, nor can you comprehend, until you are a parent the protective love you feel for your baby. She is such an innocent little being and has no idea the dangers in the world out there, I would do anything to protect her from them.
Yet I know I cannot, and it is the worst kind if fear that you can have. If I think about what could happen to her, it grips me and makes me short of breath. If anything were to happen to my baby girl I have no idea what I would do or how I would continue to exist. In the house alone there are so many hazards, and then when we step outside the door we enter into a giant web of fear-wrenching possibilities. Cars are my biggest worry at the moment. Other drivers are so ignorant to the precious cargo I am carrying I want to scream at them. Don’t they understand what damage they could do by their dangerous driving?
Last weekend Mr H and I went away for four night as a sort of ‘Babymoon’ before Baby Boy arrives. Little H stayed with her grandparents whilst we had our break, and for the first two days she was all I could think about. I even cried a few times I missed her so much. I felt ridiculous. It was only a short trip, and I’d looked forward to the break from early mornings and the freedom of being able to do what we wanted, when we wanted. But with every activity there was a small hole that pierced my heart as she wasn’t there to share the experience with us. The day on the beach, when she would have loved toddling about in the sand, or having lunch in the nearby cafe where we would have shared an ice cream. It only reinforced how much that little girl has taken over our lives and our hearts in the short time since she came into the world.
With number two on the way there is another little life to nurture and protect, and worry for. As parents we could become so paranoid that we don’t want to step out of the door on a morning. But we must not let these fears grip us. So I take a deep breath, push my worries to the back of my mind and take hold of the little outstretched hand of my precious baby. We will face the world together, and for her I will be strong.